Humiliatingly Hard.

Y’all I am struggling. This is one of the hardest situations I’ve had to deal with – which is saying something.

For the past 8 days now I have been completely bedbound. I’ve had worsening back spasms for the past year or so and have an appt with a spinal specialist next month but in my body’s truest fashion it of course couldn’t wait before going haywire. The pain has been unreal. Every tiny movement seizes up my entire back into cement, constantly cramping. Yet for now that’s not even the worst part, and I find myself struggling mentally to keep up the fight.

I do not exaggerate by saying I can do nothing by myself. I cannot go to the bathroom by myself – I have a bedside toilet about a foot away from my bed that my sainted husband has to clean out and even that process usually ends in sobs of pain. I can’t stand. I can’t walk. I can’t change positions in bed….nothing. Up until about yesterday I couldn’t even sit up. Thus far I’ve lasted about 15 minutes before cramping and sobs ensue.

I can’t work. For about 4 days I couldn’t stomach any food or liquids, which makes everything else so much worse. My appetite is coming back a little, but I can’t feed myself unless it’s finger food. I can’t procure my own food or liquids. If my phone charger falls on the floor I can’t get it myself. I can’t shower, brush my hair, change my clothes or do anything myself. I can’t even move around my pillow without everything seizing up and me screaming.

I pride myself on keeping the limited amount of independence I have on a good day. 99% of my brainpower goes to making anyone else having to help me or care for me as low as possible, and usually I can push myself and still do things I probably shouldn’t just to say I can and to do it for myself, but in these situations that is off the table. I literally can’t do any of it.

Do you know how humiliating, infuriating, demoralizing and all the things this is? Imagine seeing something as inconsequential as a pen 3 feet away and being unable to reach for it. Imagine being a very private person and suddenly needing an aid to go to the bathroom and having them have to dispose of it. Imagine having to ask anytime you need literally anything. I hope no one reading this has to ever go through the infantile feeling of something like this – 100% dependent, unable to be left alone and unable to function.

My husband has definitely grown exponentially in his role as caretaker and has had to do a lot of things for me for the first time. He has had to massage the knots through my screams and sobs, knowing it’s what is best for my healing. He has tried so hard to make me not feel alone in this or like I am a burden to him…but I know it is wearing on him. He had to not lead worship this week because I literally can’t be left alone. He’s had to lose sleep listening to me wailing or helping me to the bathroom. He’s had to stand by and watch me suffer helplessly – all because of me. He NEVER puts that on me, but I put it on myself because it is a fact that he would not be in these situations were it not for me. I know at the end of this (though the end feels nonexistent) we will have become so much stronger because of this…

But frankly, right now I don’t care. I don’t want to hear that this isn’t forever and that “one day” I’ll be back to my previous level of function. Right now that means nothing to me and could not feel farther from reality. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of the struggles. I’m tired of telling myself this isn’t forever, knowing eventually I’ll be back in a situation like this again. I’m tired of feeling like I can offer zero to the world from this bed. I’m tired of being dependent on someone for literally everything. I’m tired of my relationship with my husband turning more into a caregiver/patient relationship and losing the fun, loving intimacy we once shared. I’m over not being able to literally do anything for myself.

I am tired, friends.